chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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