just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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