I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
