After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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