Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
