oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
