3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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