im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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