Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
