I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
