my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just blew my weed a kiss
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
