my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Can you bring me the toilet please
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
