Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
