one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
