The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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