we made out on top of his cat.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I am one with the molecules
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
