I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
