i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
