I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
