Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
