dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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