I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
