TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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