Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
if i can run in heels then i can drive
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
