Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
