i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
