You just made me feel so damn special
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
