I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
