apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
