The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Dear god my vagina.
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