I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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