I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
