You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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