I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
