Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
