It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
