I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
