Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
