i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
