hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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