I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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