Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
