My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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