hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
