she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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