Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
