Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
