grandma shit on top of the toilet
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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