And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
