so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
